Work, Tour, Life…

So, John and I went to pick up all my stuff from Santa Rosa. It was actually really depressing because my mom is moving out as well…which pretty much meant I was never coming back there. I cried…a lot. Generally, this past month has been extremely stressful. I’ve been feeling like there’s this black cloud that’s always hanging over my head. I’m not even sure what it is, but things are very complicated right now.

Anyway, John and I went to pick up my stuff. We got a Penske truck. We lost the keys when we were ready to go. We didn’t find them until 12:30 AM, so we spent the morning driving down California. Got back here at about 8 or 9:30 on July 4th. Went to bed until 4 PM. Woke up, had BBQ, beer and Sorcerer’s Stone with Andrew, Matt and Mason. Good times. I don’t even remember what happened yesterday besides this…

I had a job interview. I got an email from that dog boarding place when we were in Santa Rosa. Asked me to come in. So I ….did. At first, it was really awesome. Their dog boarding facilities are ace. It’s a very chill environment…they let the dogs run around with the other dogs during playtime. Everyone who works their clearly loves dogs…they’re all very nice too. I even got to play with a puppy. It seemed awesome for me, BUT…

I guess I’m still socially inept. I was way too shy during the whole thing. I kept telling myself to snap out of it but it wouldn’t happen. Then, she has to ask me a bunch of STUPID questions about my last job. First of all, I don’t really even HAVE a last job. I really, really try to make selling shirts for PotterCast sound like some sort of job experience. So when she asks me questions I wasn’t prepared for, like “Name a time you went above and beyond for a customer” I’m like….what the fuck? How am I supposed to make that work? I felt so stupid. I feel the same way about most businesses that I do about most school…the procedures are so unneeded. And I was already feeling nervous, so I was completely incapable of thinking straight. Sometimes I reeeeaaaally really hate myself.

Anyway….it’ll be great if it works out. It’ll suck if it doesn’t….but at least I will have learned something if it doesn’t. I also decided something…I’m going to apply to work at Panera if I don’t get the job. I was listening to Matt and John talk about it last night, and it was so funny and…cute that they could talk about tasks they have to do and all that stuff (even though they’ve yet to have the same shift). I think it’d be pretty fun. And if Matt continues having morning shifts, and John continues having afternoon/nighttime ones, my schedule would always be overlapping at least one of theirs. Ahahaha. It’d be so funny.

All I know is that I need to get some money. I really wanted to be able to go to England with Kevin this summer but I…can’t. Sucks. Blah. There’s a bunch of other simple things I need money for…WELL, I mean theres the things I NEED money for: rent, food, paying people off, gas (once I get my car :S) and then the things I WANT money for: a new bed frame, new speakers, a new wardrobe before tour/Terminus.

Yeah so, incase you guys had any doubts, I’m doing merch for the PC tour again..this time joined by the lovely Samantha Friedman. I believe we’ll be doing merch for the lupins, whompy and the mudbloods as well. It’ll be so much less boring and lonely this time. And FRAK is going to be there! AHHHH! So one week of tour this year already pwns 2 months of touring last year. I will miss the west coast and the Potters, though. I’m really excited. I really miss Sue. I haven’t seen her since October, and it feels even longer than that.

Oh hay, speaking of the Potters, I think there’s some shows down here next week? See, how am I supposed to keep a job? Urgh.

Alright, I guess I’m done boring you all with this stuff. If anyone wants to hang out soon, before I possibly get tied up with a job, let me know.

Songs That Remind Me of the Fandom

We Are Family

Everyone can see we’re together
As we walk on by
and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won’t tell no lie
all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
We’re giving love in a family dose

Starry Eyed Surprise

Once again, I find myself with my friends, dancing the night away,
Its like the party never ends.
Then again we don’t want it to stop, ’cause tonight’s the night it goes sweatbox, laser beams, flashing lights

… the minds are sick ones ’cause what we are, is victims of fun.

Crazy

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe you’re crazy. Maybe we’re crazy. Probably.

Starlight

My life
You electrify my life
Lets conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Umbrella

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I’ll be here forever
Said I’ll always be a friend
Took an oath I’ma stick it out till the end
Now that it’s raining more than ever
Know that we’ll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

Sorry, I’m kind of buzzed, and when I get buzzed I start loving on the fandom and my friends hardcore.

I Don’t Even Know

You know when you have so much to say, that you have absolutely nothing to say at all?

………

Panera

Wooooot

I’m just sitting in Panera with John and the Frankie.

I’m just chillin’. (Ewww, I look yucky)

John is fillin’ out applications.

Frak is drawin’!

That’s pretty much it. :] I just finished an application to Blockbuster. Dropped off an application at Starbucks. Picked up one from Hot Topic. Asked Andrew to pick me up one from the Disney Store. Filling out one for a dog boarding place.

Wooooooo. I’m kind of partial to the Disney Store and the dog boarding place. But we’ll see.

Gotta Have It

It’s official. I’m going to save up for a 1950’s/1960’s pale green vespa.

Wouldn’t it be nice? Sigh.

1 Year Rule

I think it’s a miracle if friendships can last past a year. I don’t think anyone should call themselves “best friends” until you’ve lasted past that point. All that I’m seeing lately is that everything starts falling apart at the 1 year marker.

I’m not saying we can’t all make it through that, but I guess your willingness to work through it is the thing that makes or breaks it.

I found a way, I found a way

I can’t stop listening to the theme song of Drake and Josh (Found A Way by Drake Bell). While I’m listening to this song though, I could of sworn I heard my mum going “BREAUNNA!” like three different times. Does that ever happen to anyone while listening to music?

I’m just in a really, really good mood right now. My life is really weird right now…but it’s OK (things. have. changed. for MEEEE…and that’s okay, I’m on my way…) Like…I was filling out an application for Starbucks earlier and having Sam and John help me, and I had a complete fucking breakdown. I started crying because I wrote my address in the wrong spot. Obviously that’s not really what I was crying about though. It’s just that all of this stuff is really scary for me.

Let’s break it down:

I’ve rarely ever had to do anything for myself. I mean, I know that’s not completely true…but…at the same time it is. I mean, I’ve never really had an actual job and I’m not gonna lie: I bullshitted my way through school. There’s a lot of things in my life that I’ve never put real effort into because I honestly didn’t believe I could do it right in the first place. A lot of things I just…don’t try because I feel like I’m just going to fail anyway.

It’s funny…the fandom is the only place I feel comfortable with myself. I know that’s how it is for a lot of people though, and I think that’s an awesome thing. It gives me a point of reference. If it wasn’t for the Potter fandom, I wouldn’t know that I’m capable of anything. I am capable of human interaction. I liked selling merch for PotterCast. I was fine talking to people. My math skills may have been shit, but it was OK. I did alright. I’m fine talking to strangers. I’m not a social cripple. I’m not complete dumbass. I can accomplish things.

That doesn’t mean I’m not still scared shitless of all of this. I’ve never lived on my own (or away from my mother, I guess). I’ve never had a real job. I want to go back to school, and I haven’t had to deal with going to classes since the 8th grade (and I couldn’t even do it then…I gave up on it). I haven’t taken a test in God knows how long and I really should not have passed algebra. I don’t think I’ve ever written a paper on my own. I’ve never had to find a doctor on my own. I’m still learning how to drive. I just went grocery shopping for myself, by myself for the first time EVER in my life and I was completely surprised at the fact that I had no idea what I needed. EVERYTHING my life is right now is completely unfamiliar to me.

But you know what? It’s gonna be alright. I’m so tired of being afraid of everything. And you know what? If I’m gonna take a leap of faith, there is no better day than today. I have the bigger safety net than I’ve ever had in my life. All my friends are right here to help me with anything I’m confused on. They’re all here to make sure I don’t fall on my face. And hey, if I do fall on my face, I truly believe they’ll be here to pick me up and brush me off (by the way, this includes my mother. <3 )

And…this is totally unlike me to talk about. I am not a religious person. I tend to believe that organized religion tears people apart and causes chaos in the world. BUT…a little known fact about me is that I am a spiritual person. Just because I don’t agree with organized religion, it does not mean that I don’t have any kind of faith. Last night I was…pretty fucking upset. I was feeling pretty terrible about certain issues in my life…starting to feel a little helpless. And…I prayed. Yep. I prayed. Raw, honest prayer. Within 10 minutes, the whole situation made a 180.

You could say it was a fluke, but I think something in the atmosphere changes when you surrender the belief that you have power over things you do not. Something in the atmosphere changed when you place positive energy towards something too, I think. Things will fall into place.

Alright folks, I’m starving right now, but I just felt like I needed to let you guys know about todays revelations. :] Love you all <3

Helloooooo Orange County!

Hay, remember when I said I would update a lot in Florida? I lied.

Let’s face it though. It was 3 days straight of Disney World, and then quiet a few days of partying. Not much time for blogging in there.

BUT GUESS WHAT?! I’m actually getting a real life now. I’m down in Orange County….for good! It all happened very, very quickly. Somehow, I ended up with a room in Andrew, Matt and John’s apartment. Just for a while though. Mostly likely through the summer, then I think John and I (and perhaps someone else? It’s hard out here for a pimp, trynna make money on da rent) are going to go find our own apartment.

This is so exciting. I have wanted to live in Orange County since I was a little girl visiting my grandparents in Tustin. I’m sure it’s no big deal for all of you who already live here, but I don’t think you guys realize that there’s pretty much no where better in the United States (besides maybe…New York?) I think I would know, I visited the better parts of the United States last summer, and no where is as amazing as Southern California. I love everything here. I love the mornings. They just feel different. The sky is different. The people are different (sometimes annoyingly so but hey, it’s all part of the experience). SoCa just bubbles with life and movement. I mean, we’ll see how I feel after living here for a bit, but right now I couldn’t be happier.

I’m currently looking for a job…applying at random retail stores, dog boarding places and Disneyland. I know I won’t get the Disney job for a while (apparently there’s a waiting list?) but I could care less. My life will not be complete until I work there. Even if I end up hating it. I just need to say I did it.

What’s the best part of being here though? A mass amount of people I love live here. After living the past five years in solitude, away from all of my Potter friends, I think I deserve this. This is how life should be. I have friends…who I can see whenever I want to. I have a support group around me….a family. Something to keep me going. They’ve always kept me going in the past, but I’m not gonna lie. It’s always been hard for me to keep going with school and work when there’s been no break. Nothing to refresh me. Most people can go to school or work and know that they get to see their friends on the weekend. Just even have one day of fun out of the week. I was not having one day of release for months at a time. I feel like I can be a normal part of society now. I feel like I belong here.

Anyway, I’m gonna really start trying to use my SLR more and post more pictures here. I know I’ve said that  before but..I’ll actually be leaving my house more now! Work it.

Right now, I’m at Sarah’s house in Santa Monica. Sam is here as well. Yesterday, Sam and I took the bus to this pretty outdoor shopping center they have here, that’s right next to the beach. We went and got some bocaburgers and fries, then went down to the beach, layed on the sand and talked for about an hour before walking back to Sam’s work. Sarah and I watched her work for a while and got free ice cream. She’s so cute in her little Coldstone visor!

Tonight, Tasha and Sam are going to see Panic At The Disco in Anaheim. I really wanted to see the show, but I’m not really in a great situation with money right now. Besides, I’ve already seen the show twice….NOT THAT I WOULDN’T SEE IT AGAIN. It’s such a great lineup…not to mention my favourite band for the past two or three years. I’m still pretty bummed about the whole…not getting to meet the band thing. I think I’m going to meet up with Rita tonight while they’re at the show, and hopefully the two of us can stalk around the venue and maybe stalk the boys. Besides..I am a firm believer that when something doesn’t go the way you wanted it to, life is just making room for something better. Kind of like when we couldn’t get Sam into the Jo reading in New York…and then she got to actually have a conversation and a more personal meeting with her at the trial. Life is funny that way.

Oh my god, I’ve had the worst cramps today. I seriously wanted to kill myself. I ended up taking two painkillers, and they took FOREVER to work,but now I feel nice and loopy.

Anyway loves, more updates to come! (hopefully…)

Hmmm..

Have you ever felt like someone didn’t like you? Even though they were almost always nice to you?

I get the feeling a few youtubers don’t like me. They’ve never said or done anything to support this, but I just get that…vibe, you know? It’s quite sad, considering that I admire them.

I’ll probably be updating this baby a lot in Florida, so I’d check back regularly. I might post a link on youtube to get me some hits, because I’m a hoe. A HitHoe.

Feeling inspired…

Let me level with you guys:

I spend a lot of time hating myself. Sometimes, my days are consumed with nothing but passionate self-hatred. I can’t explain how I became like this, but I can explain what helps fix it.

Harry fucking Potter.

You guys. And Harry fucking Potter.

When I focus my days on how much I love you all, everything else becomes unimportant nonsense. I am so lucky to have every one of you in my life. I feel like I hit the jackpot. It’s like (here I go with more metaphors) I got to the point in my life where there were three doors I could open. I could of picked any of them. I just happened to pick the one with the biggest, best prize imaginable. LOVE. And lots of it.

Love you. <333