So, since February, I’ve gained 10 pounds. I knew it was going to happen. I was getting off way too easy for way too long. Eating whatever I wanted without gaining. I got a little carried away recently. Forcing myself to think “This won’t do anything!” or coming up with excuses to eat pizza, fries, chipotle, pasta, you name it. I mean, yeah so…10 pounds. Not fun. It could be worse. I could have gained more. I could have already wanted to lose weight and then gained even more weight, but I was happy where I was. Now I just need to get these 10 pounds off.
But it happens to be a very inconvenient time to gain 10 pounds/try to lose 10 pounds. Since I got back from Japan (which was awesome!) I have been REALLY feeling the stress. I’m in a speeding car headed for summer and I’m screaming “BREAKS! BREAKS! WHERE ARE THE BREAKS?!” I’m still excited for summer, it’s what’s going to happen AFTER the craziness that’s stressing me out. Oh wait, I mean what’s not going to happen. Or what could happen. Because the truth is I honestly have no idea what’s going to happen.
First of all, apt 61 is splitting at the end of May. I’m…not excited. I really would have rather kept this apartment until August but I have 3 other roommates who want to move on with their lives. So…when you see me on tour with PotterCast this summer, I will be HOMELESS! All my shit is going in storage and I will be a fucking nomad. Home is very important to me. I hate sleeping at other people’s houses with a passion. I love sleeping in my own bed. And now I won’t sleep in my own bed for 2 months. I mean, there’s always “home” but it’s not really mine. My mom’s feelings would be/will be hurt hearing this, but it’s kind of the truth. It’s not my bed, not my stuff, and even more importantly not my southern california. I’m very thankful I have a place to stay with my mom and step dad, but I just would really rather have my own place settled?
Secondly, there’s school. Which is clearly up in the air until I figure out where the fuck I’m going to live.
Thirdly, there’s the project. It’s going really good lately. I’m very, very excited about it. But yet it puts me in a really crappy position. There’s all these things I want to do and it’s still always staring at me like “Hey, you still have to finish me!”. Too much work, money, time, effort and love has been put into this thing to just drop it. It’s just very hard to work on through all this stress. I’m also trying to get something ready to introduce it to the world at LeakyCon (this isn’t official yet so don’t go running your mouth). It’s very strange. With a project this size..it’s like giving birth to a baby. You can’t just GIVE BIRTH. You have to prepare for it’s arrival. This month is basically like a big fucking baby shower except less fun because I have to MAKE all the gifts to take care of this damn thing. Again, it could lead me very good places and I’m very very thrilled to introduce it to the world. (Oh and I just realized that it’s “birth” at leakycon wouldn’t really be a birth because it’s going to be more of a…peak of what’s to come? :] )
NUMBER FOUR, I can’t sleep. I absolutely can not sleep. Since I’ve gotten back from Japan, it’s been impossible and it’s definitely not jetlag. It takes me FOREVER to get to sleep and forever to wake up. Mornings are hell. For one reason or another I have absolutely no desire to get out of bed. Today I was in bed until 3:30 PM. Two days ago I didn’t get up until 5:30 PM. I hate sleeping because I have bad dreams every night. I’m scared of sleeping because the process of waking up is so terrible. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. It sucks. And because I’m staying up so late, I’ve been doing middle-of-the-night binging which has always been a massive problem for me. Something about the solitude of night time makes me want to eat. Blah.
Anyway, with all of this going on, it’s no wonder I’ve gained weight. I’m trying really hard to get my eating under control again but because I’m still stressed out and food is how I deal with stress, I continue to eat as much fat and calories as I can. Blah. My only hope is that tour will get me back on track because I’ll be happy and busy and I’ll get back to my normal weight by Azkatraz (which is going to be a disastrous sideshow staring my personal life but we don’t need to talk about that right now).
In other news…wait until Azkatraz to see Half-Blood Prince. Word.
I’m out.
