End of an Era?

Ever since I could remember, I’ve always felt like I was too much. Too emotional, too passionate, too attached. Definitely too attached. I’ve always went looking for a family, because I never really felt that I had one. There’s been many points throughout my life in which I thought I had found one. I wrap a pretty bow around them and stuff them into that empty spot in my heart, hoping for the best. In fact, I never even hope for the best. I find my new “family” and I think “This is is! This is what I’ve been waiting for! This is who will fill the hole for the rest of my life!”.

When I was very very young, it was my best friend’s family. And although I spent a huge chunk of my life with them, they never seemed to return the same enthusiasm that I had for them. The older I got, the more that my “sister” started to ignore me…and it didn’t bother her. And although my “adopted parents” would still make sure birthday cards were sent, things still never really felt the same. To this day, I’m still the one trying to reach out to them…only to feel really silly because I don’t believe the time that I spent with them was as special to them as it was to me.

Then, there was my elementary/middle school. I went to a very tiny private school called Solano Christian Academy. It was so small, that from pre-k to 8th grade, you were pretty much in the same class with the same people (give or take a few…a lot of kids ditched SCA for public school). The school was…not a fantastic one. The teachers were not well qualified for their job. A lot of them were in the air force reserves and came to SCA expecting an easy job with perfect little Christian children. Once they came to the realization that we were not perfect little Christian children, they often lost their minds. To survive the insanity, us students formed an “us against them” mentality….and there it is. My new “family”.

I didn’t think it was possible for any of us to ever stray away from each other. We had spent every day for years and years with each other. Having to deal with crazy teachers and the general pains of turning into a teenager…I was wrong of course. You can’t expect a group of teenagers to “stick together forever”. The minute I left the school, friends started dropping off one by one. I still try to keep in contact with them, but again, it’s a one-sided effort. I was crushed when I finally realized that none of them had any interest in me anymore. I don’t understand how you can just forget about people that you spent such a huge chunk of your life with. There was one though….there was one.

There was one friend who still gave me a connection to my past. We were never really close in grade school, but as I morphed into my Harry Potter obsessed self, we started to get along better. She was always the Star Wars obsessed, straight-A student in our class (meaning I had nothing in common with her at the time). But she liked Harry Potter and understood the pains of loving a story more than anything on this planet. So, we connected on two levels. I don’t see how you could get any closer than that. Here we go again. I honestly didn’t see how we could ever drift apart. We had known each other too long and shared way too much. But something…happened.

I’m not going to go into here, because it’s long and complicated. But I guess you could say we had a bit of a disagreement. Maybe even a crossroads in our lives? I welcomed the crossroad, she did not. I would have never welcomed it had I known that this meant the end of our friendship. Not only the end of our friendship, but the end of our friendliness. I’ll take some responsibility for this. We went from talking for about 6 hours a day, to maybe an hour a day, if that. My life was changing. I was making friends in my area and ending my 3 years of staying in the house. I guess I wasn’t talking to her enough, and I guess she took that personally. We continued to talk after our “disagreement” but things just kept going down hill to the point where I don’t think she really wanted to talk to me at all.

I still try to talk to her. I tried to talk to her a few weeks ago, actually. She responded coldly, as usually. When I try to talk to her, she will give me minimal responses to my questions and nothing else. She makes it very clear that she wants nothing to do with me. It still hurts my feelings, because I would still like to know what’s going on with her. I spent a HUGE chunk of my life with her (try ages 8 to 17?) and I’m just the kind of person who’s really sentimental about that kind of shit. But no. She’s not gonna fucking have it. One day I’ll actually approach her on it, but for right now I’ll just hope she reads this.

Anyway, here’s the point of my entry. I latch on to people hardcore, weather they realize it or not. I am usually in this shit through thick and thin…but I feel like it’s never mutual. I’m beginning to get the feeling that this could be the case with the fandom. I knew that things wouldn’t immediately change after book 7 because everyone was still going to be in it. But now, I’m starting to feel changes in the atmosphere. I am TERRIFIED for what’s going to happen after Terminus. I feel like you all are going to drop your wands and start running in the other direction. I don’t know what I’m going to do if this happens. I’ve invested a lot in this shit. You are my family. I would like to think that we have something special. I would like to think that you guys would never just turn around and forget about it. I don’t know though. I mean, everyone has the right to move on with their lives. No one said you have to love Potter forever. But I’m just really, really hoping that our friendships will last past Potter. My life has felt like a fairytale since I met all of you. Even though I used to have friends (as talked about above), I have NEVER experienced this kind of love before. I don’t want to lose it.

I don’t guys. Just…try to stay connected?

(…I’m so dramatic.)