Question

What the hell is life if you’re not doing something insane?

I REFUSE to ever attempt to settle for average ever again.

Video ideas for Terminus…

So, I really want to plan a montage video for Terminus, but I can’t figure out what I want.

I really just want something fun and dramatic. Drama is fun. Something that will make you cry but make you smile as well. I have this really stupid idea of just taking video of people running and people hugging each other and putting it in slow motion. AHAHAHA. There would be no point in that, but it would be really fun. I just can’t decide what song to do it to. I’m thinking You Get What You Give by New Radicals. It’s just a good, happy song and I always picture things in slow motion when I listen to it. Ahaha I want shots of people jumping too. Ahahaahaha everyone would hate me so much, but I still think it would be an amazing video.

If anyone has any other ideas, let me know?

I also want to make a mass lipsyncing collab. I wanted to do that at Prophecy but I never did it. I think I’m going to do it this time. And I think I’m going to do it to the song Crazy? It’s the only thing that’s fitting. And it’s popular enough that everyone should know the lyrics already. I really want just random shots of people walking down hallways, lipsyncing. And anyone who wants to do it can do it.

WHO’S DOWN? We can probably get a huge group of us together to do it too. It’d be so sexy. AHHH I WANT TO DO IT. THAT’S IT I’M DOING IT.

God I need to go buy new tapes…

End of an Era?

Ever since I could remember, I’ve always felt like I was too much. Too emotional, too passionate, too attached. Definitely too attached. I’ve always went looking for a family, because I never really felt that I had one. There’s been many points throughout my life in which I thought I had found one. I wrap a pretty bow around them and stuff them into that empty spot in my heart, hoping for the best. In fact, I never even hope for the best. I find my new “family” and I think “This is is! This is what I’ve been waiting for! This is who will fill the hole for the rest of my life!”.

When I was very very young, it was my best friend’s family. And although I spent a huge chunk of my life with them, they never seemed to return the same enthusiasm that I had for them. The older I got, the more that my “sister” started to ignore me…and it didn’t bother her. And although my “adopted parents” would still make sure birthday cards were sent, things still never really felt the same. To this day, I’m still the one trying to reach out to them…only to feel really silly because I don’t believe the time that I spent with them was as special to them as it was to me.

Then, there was my elementary/middle school. I went to a very tiny private school called Solano Christian Academy. It was so small, that from pre-k to 8th grade, you were pretty much in the same class with the same people (give or take a few…a lot of kids ditched SCA for public school). The school was…not a fantastic one. The teachers were not well qualified for their job. A lot of them were in the air force reserves and came to SCA expecting an easy job with perfect little Christian children. Once they came to the realization that we were not perfect little Christian children, they often lost their minds. To survive the insanity, us students formed an “us against them” mentality….and there it is. My new “family”.

I didn’t think it was possible for any of us to ever stray away from each other. We had spent every day for years and years with each other. Having to deal with crazy teachers and the general pains of turning into a teenager…I was wrong of course. You can’t expect a group of teenagers to “stick together forever”. The minute I left the school, friends started dropping off one by one. I still try to keep in contact with them, but again, it’s a one-sided effort. I was crushed when I finally realized that none of them had any interest in me anymore. I don’t understand how you can just forget about people that you spent such a huge chunk of your life with. There was one though….there was one.

There was one friend who still gave me a connection to my past. We were never really close in grade school, but as I morphed into my Harry Potter obsessed self, we started to get along better. She was always the Star Wars obsessed, straight-A student in our class (meaning I had nothing in common with her at the time). But she liked Harry Potter and understood the pains of loving a story more than anything on this planet. So, we connected on two levels. I don’t see how you could get any closer than that. Here we go again. I honestly didn’t see how we could ever drift apart. We had known each other too long and shared way too much. But something…happened.

I’m not going to go into here, because it’s long and complicated. But I guess you could say we had a bit of a disagreement. Maybe even a crossroads in our lives? I welcomed the crossroad, she did not. I would have never welcomed it had I known that this meant the end of our friendship. Not only the end of our friendship, but the end of our friendliness. I’ll take some responsibility for this. We went from talking for about 6 hours a day, to maybe an hour a day, if that. My life was changing. I was making friends in my area and ending my 3 years of staying in the house. I guess I wasn’t talking to her enough, and I guess she took that personally. We continued to talk after our “disagreement” but things just kept going down hill to the point where I don’t think she really wanted to talk to me at all.

I still try to talk to her. I tried to talk to her a few weeks ago, actually. She responded coldly, as usually. When I try to talk to her, she will give me minimal responses to my questions and nothing else. She makes it very clear that she wants nothing to do with me. It still hurts my feelings, because I would still like to know what’s going on with her. I spent a HUGE chunk of my life with her (try ages 8 to 17?) and I’m just the kind of person who’s really sentimental about that kind of shit. But no. She’s not gonna fucking have it. One day I’ll actually approach her on it, but for right now I’ll just hope she reads this.

Anyway, here’s the point of my entry. I latch on to people hardcore, weather they realize it or not. I am usually in this shit through thick and thin…but I feel like it’s never mutual. I’m beginning to get the feeling that this could be the case with the fandom. I knew that things wouldn’t immediately change after book 7 because everyone was still going to be in it. But now, I’m starting to feel changes in the atmosphere. I am TERRIFIED for what’s going to happen after Terminus. I feel like you all are going to drop your wands and start running in the other direction. I don’t know what I’m going to do if this happens. I’ve invested a lot in this shit. You are my family. I would like to think that we have something special. I would like to think that you guys would never just turn around and forget about it. I don’t know though. I mean, everyone has the right to move on with their lives. No one said you have to love Potter forever. But I’m just really, really hoping that our friendships will last past Potter. My life has felt like a fairytale since I met all of you. Even though I used to have friends (as talked about above), I have NEVER experienced this kind of love before. I don’t want to lose it.

I don’t guys. Just…try to stay connected?

(…I’m so dramatic.)

California Is Empty.

Besides John, Matt, Andrew and myself. Thank God for those three.

Although, even with them, I feel extremely lonely. Where did everyone go? Everyone seems to be gone, and it’s depressing the hell out of me. Especially with both of my best friends gone….SIGH. Still…I thought there were more of you here? WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

HELLO, CALIFORNIA. IF ANYONE CAN HEAR ME, YOU’RE NOT ALONE. PLEASE CALL MY CELL PHONE AND LET’S ARRANGE A MEETING.

Answer Tone

I CAN’T PICK ONE! HELP ME! Currently if you call me, you will hear Brendon Urie telling you that he’s having phone sex with me (alright not really, but close enough). This is lovely and all, but I want a song now. I JUST CAN’T CHOSE ONE.

Here’s a few I was thinking of:

Standing In The Way Of Control - The Gossip (because it’s like, the 2nd most played song on the show Skins)

Potter Waltz - GoF (I think this was one of the songs playing when I was waiting in line to meet jo….sdjglksdgjkls my life)

The Story Continues - GoF (it’s the only one with Hedwig’s theme)

La Camisa Negra - Juanes (obvious reasons)

I Have Friends In Holy Spaces - Panic At The Disco

Lying Is The Most Fun… - Panic At The Disco (I can never get enough of that song)

Born For This - Paramore

That’s What You Get - Paramore

Space Mountain Music (again, for obvious reasons)

I guess the question is….what do you want to hear when you call me? I’m partial to The Gossip and Panic, but I want to know what you guys think.

Work, Tour, Life…

So, John and I went to pick up all my stuff from Santa Rosa. It was actually really depressing because my mom is moving out as well…which pretty much meant I was never coming back there. I cried…a lot. Generally, this past month has been extremely stressful. I’ve been feeling like there’s this black cloud that’s always hanging over my head. I’m not even sure what it is, but things are very complicated right now.

Anyway, John and I went to pick up my stuff. We got a Penske truck. We lost the keys when we were ready to go. We didn’t find them until 12:30 AM, so we spent the morning driving down California. Got back here at about 8 or 9:30 on July 4th. Went to bed until 4 PM. Woke up, had BBQ, beer and Sorcerer’s Stone with Andrew, Matt and Mason. Good times. I don’t even remember what happened yesterday besides this…

I had a job interview. I got an email from that dog boarding place when we were in Santa Rosa. Asked me to come in. So I ….did. At first, it was really awesome. Their dog boarding facilities are ace. It’s a very chill environment…they let the dogs run around with the other dogs during playtime. Everyone who works their clearly loves dogs…they’re all very nice too. I even got to play with a puppy. It seemed awesome for me, BUT…

I guess I’m still socially inept. I was way too shy during the whole thing. I kept telling myself to snap out of it but it wouldn’t happen. Then, she has to ask me a bunch of STUPID questions about my last job. First of all, I don’t really even HAVE a last job. I really, really try to make selling shirts for PotterCast sound like some sort of job experience. So when she asks me questions I wasn’t prepared for, like “Name a time you went above and beyond for a customer” I’m like….what the fuck? How am I supposed to make that work? I felt so stupid. I feel the same way about most businesses that I do about most school…the procedures are so unneeded. And I was already feeling nervous, so I was completely incapable of thinking straight. Sometimes I reeeeaaaally really hate myself.

Anyway….it’ll be great if it works out. It’ll suck if it doesn’t….but at least I will have learned something if it doesn’t. I also decided something…I’m going to apply to work at Panera if I don’t get the job. I was listening to Matt and John talk about it last night, and it was so funny and…cute that they could talk about tasks they have to do and all that stuff (even though they’ve yet to have the same shift). I think it’d be pretty fun. And if Matt continues having morning shifts, and John continues having afternoon/nighttime ones, my schedule would always be overlapping at least one of theirs. Ahahaha. It’d be so funny.

All I know is that I need to get some money. I really wanted to be able to go to England with Kevin this summer but I…can’t. Sucks. Blah. There’s a bunch of other simple things I need money for…WELL, I mean theres the things I NEED money for: rent, food, paying people off, gas (once I get my car :S) and then the things I WANT money for: a new bed frame, new speakers, a new wardrobe before tour/Terminus.

Yeah so, incase you guys had any doubts, I’m doing merch for the PC tour again..this time joined by the lovely Samantha Friedman. I believe we’ll be doing merch for the lupins, whompy and the mudbloods as well. It’ll be so much less boring and lonely this time. And FRAK is going to be there! AHHHH! So one week of tour this year already pwns 2 months of touring last year. I will miss the west coast and the Potters, though. I’m really excited. I really miss Sue. I haven’t seen her since October, and it feels even longer than that.

Oh hay, speaking of the Potters, I think there’s some shows down here next week? See, how am I supposed to keep a job? Urgh.

Alright, I guess I’m done boring you all with this stuff. If anyone wants to hang out soon, before I possibly get tied up with a job, let me know.

Songs That Remind Me of the Fandom

We Are Family

Everyone can see we’re together
As we walk on by
and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won’t tell no lie
all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
We’re giving love in a family dose

Starry Eyed Surprise

Once again, I find myself with my friends, dancing the night away,
Its like the party never ends.
Then again we don’t want it to stop, ’cause tonight’s the night it goes sweatbox, laser beams, flashing lights

… the minds are sick ones ’cause what we are, is victims of fun.

Crazy

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe you’re crazy. Maybe we’re crazy. Probably.

Starlight

My life
You electrify my life
Lets conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Umbrella

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I’ll be here forever
Said I’ll always be a friend
Took an oath I’ma stick it out till the end
Now that it’s raining more than ever
Know that we’ll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

Sorry, I’m kind of buzzed, and when I get buzzed I start loving on the fandom and my friends hardcore.

I Don’t Even Know

You know when you have so much to say, that you have absolutely nothing to say at all?

………

Panera

Wooooot

I’m just sitting in Panera with John and the Frankie.

I’m just chillin’. (Ewww, I look yucky)

John is fillin’ out applications.

Frak is drawin’!

That’s pretty much it. :] I just finished an application to Blockbuster. Dropped off an application at Starbucks. Picked up one from Hot Topic. Asked Andrew to pick me up one from the Disney Store. Filling out one for a dog boarding place.

Wooooooo. I’m kind of partial to the Disney Store and the dog boarding place. But we’ll see.

Gotta Have It

It’s official. I’m going to save up for a 1950’s/1960’s pale green vespa.

Wouldn’t it be nice? Sigh.