Slowly but surely…

Making Finding Hogwarts has been one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. I have never been an aggressive person. I have never had self confidence. I have never put work into anything because I never believed I could produce anything worth being proud of. Why set myself up for failure? In the past, when I have seen someone doing something that I believed to be wrong, I would not say anything. If I thought I looked good and someone told me otherwise, I would believe them. Everyone else was always right because after all, what the hell do I know? Who do I think I am? Of course you’re wrong, Bre. You always are. Sounds like a perfect director, right? Hah. 

 

 I started this with very little faith in myself.  In the beginning, I made a lot of mistakes. I ignored intuitions and withheld input. I let other people make decisions because I believed they knew better. (Not to say that they didn’t, but I never even gave myself a chance.)

 

Apparently passion is the only thing that can start to override my insecurities. This movie means the world to me. It feels like a child. Hell, it is my baby. It is the child of Bre and the Harry Potter series. This is my love letter to the series and to the fandom. And you know what guys? I don’t want to let you down. After all HP and the community has done for me, I feel an extreme responsibility to properly portray this book series. I feel that I have a responsibility to properly portray this fandom. Not just for you guys, but for everyone who watches it. 

 

This movie is really changing me. For the first time in my life I am taking a leap of faith and trusting intuitions. For the first time in my life I’m chasing something I want instead of assuming that I couldn’t catch it anyway. For the first time in my life I’m actually fighting for my opinions. I am amazed at what this is doing for other aspects of my life and how easily other problems I deal with have started to untangle themselves with a little boost in confidence. 

 

The most impressive part of all this (to me at least) is that I’m actually working on something. As I said before, I have never given my all to anything I’ve worked on because I never really believed I could do it. I can not think of one thing I’ve ever done in my entire life that I’ve been proud of. I have always let everyone do everything for me, and it has not always been my way. Even if this movie sucks and no one wants to see it and everyone hates all over it, at the end of the day I will still be able to look at it and say “this is mine” and that is definitely something to be proud of. 

 

(For the record, I could of worked on this by myself for 10 years and it still would not be anywhere near what it is without John. He has done a tremendous amount of the work load and has dedicated himself to this fully. The day Rita and I came up with this idea, after he got through the initial shock of how ridiculous it sounds, I could not believe he actually agreed to work on this. Had he kept it at “You guys are insane”, we would have never taken the trip and I would have no reason to be writing this.) 

10 pounds of stress

So, since February, I’ve gained 10 pounds. I knew it was going to happen. I was getting off way too easy for way too long. Eating whatever I wanted without gaining. I got a little carried away recently. Forcing myself to think “This won’t do anything!” or coming up with excuses to eat pizza, fries, chipotle, pasta, you name it. I mean, yeah so…10 pounds. Not fun. It could be worse. I could have gained more. I could have already wanted to lose weight and then gained even more weight, but I was happy where I was. Now I just need to get these 10 pounds off. 

 

But it happens to be a very inconvenient time to gain 10 pounds/try to lose 10 pounds. Since I got back from Japan (which was awesome!) I have been REALLY feeling the stress. I’m in a speeding car headed for summer and I’m screaming “BREAKS! BREAKS! WHERE ARE THE BREAKS?!” I’m still excited for summer, it’s what’s going to happen AFTER the craziness that’s stressing me out. Oh wait, I mean what’s not going to happen. Or what could happen. Because the truth is I honestly have no idea what’s going to happen. 

 

First of all, apt 61 is splitting at the end of May. I’m…not excited. I really would have rather kept this apartment until August but I have 3 other roommates who want to move on with their lives. So…when you see me on tour with PotterCast this summer, I will be HOMELESS! All my shit is going in storage and I will be a fucking nomad. Home is very important to me. I hate sleeping at other people’s houses with a passion. I love sleeping in my own bed. And now I won’t sleep in my own bed for 2 months. I mean, there’s always “home” but it’s not really mine. My mom’s feelings would be/will be hurt hearing this, but it’s kind of the truth. It’s not my bed, not my stuff, and even more importantly not my southern california. I’m very thankful I have a place to stay with my mom and step dad, but I just would really rather have my own place settled?

 

Secondly, there’s school. Which is clearly up in the air until I figure out where the fuck I’m going to live. 

 

Thirdly, there’s the project. It’s going really good lately. I’m very, very excited about it. But yet it puts me in a really crappy position. There’s all these things I want to do and it’s still always staring at me like “Hey, you still have to finish me!”. Too much work, money, time, effort and love has been put into this thing to just drop it. It’s just very hard to work on through all this stress. I’m also trying to get something ready to introduce it to the world at LeakyCon (this isn’t official yet so don’t go running your mouth). It’s very strange. With a project this size..it’s like giving birth to a baby. You can’t just GIVE BIRTH. You have to prepare for it’s arrival. This month is basically like a big fucking baby shower except less fun because I have to MAKE all the gifts to take care of this damn thing. Again, it could lead me very good places and I’m very very thrilled to introduce it to the world. (Oh and I just realized that it’s “birth” at leakycon wouldn’t really be a birth because it’s going to be more of a…peak of what’s to come? :] )

 

NUMBER FOUR, I can’t sleep. I absolutely can not sleep. Since I’ve gotten back from Japan, it’s been impossible and it’s definitely not jetlag. It takes me FOREVER to get to sleep and forever to wake up. Mornings are hell. For one reason or another I have absolutely no desire to get out of bed. Today I was in bed until 3:30 PM. Two days ago I didn’t get up until 5:30 PM. I hate sleeping because I have bad dreams every night. I’m scared of sleeping because the process of waking up is so terrible. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. It sucks. And because I’m staying up so late, I’ve been doing middle-of-the-night binging which has always been a massive problem for me. Something about the solitude of night time makes me want to eat. Blah. 

Anyway, with all of this going on, it’s no wonder I’ve gained weight. I’m trying really hard to get my eating under control again but because I’m still stressed out and food is how I deal with stress, I continue to eat as much fat and calories as I can. Blah. My only hope is that tour will get me back on track because I’ll be happy and busy and I’ll get  back to my normal weight by Azkatraz (which is going to be a disastrous sideshow staring my personal life but we don’t need to talk about that right now). 

 

In other news…wait until Azkatraz to see Half-Blood Prince. Word. 

 

I’m out.

NO MORE DRAMA

PLZ.

(what a post…)

:]

I am at a little place called The Elephant House. In case you didn’ t know, a woman named JK Rowling once sat here and wrote a little book called Harry Potter.

 

I just felt the need to update this blog here, even though I don’t have the time to write something huge.

 

I am in love

with Edinburgh.

A quick word(s) from Bre.

Sometimes, there’s things you just can’t involve yourself in or think about because they make you want to (prettymuch) kill yourself. There’s a lot of things about myself, a lot of things about other people, and a lot of things about my relationships with other people that I just have to fucking let go of. When I think about them, I want to die. The more I just stay away from the subjects, the better off I am, right? There’s nothing I can really change, so I figure it’s best just to move on. It’s just not worth the constant stress and anxiety these things cause me. That feels like a big theme in my life recently. Learning to just fucking let go of things.

Oh yeah, speaking of letting go: I have a job at Disneyland that I want to quit. Why? Because it’s hard and time consuming. Yeah, go figure. In my opinion, the hours and stress put into that job do NOT equal up to what I’m getting paid. Call me lazy, call me spoiled, I don’t really give a shit. At least it’s made me realize that I need to go back to school.

Question

What the hell is life if you’re not doing something insane?

I REFUSE to ever attempt to settle for average ever again.

Video ideas for Terminus…

So, I really want to plan a montage video for Terminus, but I can’t figure out what I want.

I really just want something fun and dramatic. Drama is fun. Something that will make you cry but make you smile as well. I have this really stupid idea of just taking video of people running and people hugging each other and putting it in slow motion. AHAHAHA. There would be no point in that, but it would be really fun. I just can’t decide what song to do it to. I’m thinking You Get What You Give by New Radicals. It’s just a good, happy song and I always picture things in slow motion when I listen to it. Ahaha I want shots of people jumping too. Ahahaahaha everyone would hate me so much, but I still think it would be an amazing video.

If anyone has any other ideas, let me know?

I also want to make a mass lipsyncing collab. I wanted to do that at Prophecy but I never did it. I think I’m going to do it this time. And I think I’m going to do it to the song Crazy? It’s the only thing that’s fitting. And it’s popular enough that everyone should know the lyrics already. I really want just random shots of people walking down hallways, lipsyncing. And anyone who wants to do it can do it.

WHO’S DOWN? We can probably get a huge group of us together to do it too. It’d be so sexy. AHHH I WANT TO DO IT. THAT’S IT I’M DOING IT.

God I need to go buy new tapes…

End of an Era?

Ever since I could remember, I’ve always felt like I was too much. Too emotional, too passionate, too attached. Definitely too attached. I’ve always went looking for a family, because I never really felt that I had one. There’s been many points throughout my life in which I thought I had found one. I wrap a pretty bow around them and stuff them into that empty spot in my heart, hoping for the best. In fact, I never even hope for the best. I find my new “family” and I think “This is is! This is what I’ve been waiting for! This is who will fill the hole for the rest of my life!”.

When I was very very young, it was my best friend’s family. And although I spent a huge chunk of my life with them, they never seemed to return the same enthusiasm that I had for them. The older I got, the more that my “sister” started to ignore me…and it didn’t bother her. And although my “adopted parents” would still make sure birthday cards were sent, things still never really felt the same. To this day, I’m still the one trying to reach out to them…only to feel really silly because I don’t believe the time that I spent with them was as special to them as it was to me.

Then, there was my elementary/middle school. I went to a very tiny private school called Solano Christian Academy. It was so small, that from pre-k to 8th grade, you were pretty much in the same class with the same people (give or take a few…a lot of kids ditched SCA for public school). The school was…not a fantastic one. The teachers were not well qualified for their job. A lot of them were in the air force reserves and came to SCA expecting an easy job with perfect little Christian children. Once they came to the realization that we were not perfect little Christian children, they often lost their minds. To survive the insanity, us students formed an “us against them” mentality….and there it is. My new “family”.

I didn’t think it was possible for any of us to ever stray away from each other. We had spent every day for years and years with each other. Having to deal with crazy teachers and the general pains of turning into a teenager…I was wrong of course. You can’t expect a group of teenagers to “stick together forever”. The minute I left the school, friends started dropping off one by one. I still try to keep in contact with them, but again, it’s a one-sided effort. I was crushed when I finally realized that none of them had any interest in me anymore. I don’t understand how you can just forget about people that you spent such a huge chunk of your life with. There was one though….there was one.

There was one friend who still gave me a connection to my past. We were never really close in grade school, but as I morphed into my Harry Potter obsessed self, we started to get along better. She was always the Star Wars obsessed, straight-A student in our class (meaning I had nothing in common with her at the time). But she liked Harry Potter and understood the pains of loving a story more than anything on this planet. So, we connected on two levels. I don’t see how you could get any closer than that. Here we go again. I honestly didn’t see how we could ever drift apart. We had known each other too long and shared way too much. But something…happened.

I’m not going to go into here, because it’s long and complicated. But I guess you could say we had a bit of a disagreement. Maybe even a crossroads in our lives? I welcomed the crossroad, she did not. I would have never welcomed it had I known that this meant the end of our friendship. Not only the end of our friendship, but the end of our friendliness. I’ll take some responsibility for this. We went from talking for about 6 hours a day, to maybe an hour a day, if that. My life was changing. I was making friends in my area and ending my 3 years of staying in the house. I guess I wasn’t talking to her enough, and I guess she took that personally. We continued to talk after our “disagreement” but things just kept going down hill to the point where I don’t think she really wanted to talk to me at all.

I still try to talk to her. I tried to talk to her a few weeks ago, actually. She responded coldly, as usually. When I try to talk to her, she will give me minimal responses to my questions and nothing else. She makes it very clear that she wants nothing to do with me. It still hurts my feelings, because I would still like to know what’s going on with her. I spent a HUGE chunk of my life with her (try ages 8 to 17?) and I’m just the kind of person who’s really sentimental about that kind of shit. But no. She’s not gonna fucking have it. One day I’ll actually approach her on it, but for right now I’ll just hope she reads this.

Anyway, here’s the point of my entry. I latch on to people hardcore, weather they realize it or not. I am usually in this shit through thick and thin…but I feel like it’s never mutual. I’m beginning to get the feeling that this could be the case with the fandom. I knew that things wouldn’t immediately change after book 7 because everyone was still going to be in it. But now, I’m starting to feel changes in the atmosphere. I am TERRIFIED for what’s going to happen after Terminus. I feel like you all are going to drop your wands and start running in the other direction. I don’t know what I’m going to do if this happens. I’ve invested a lot in this shit. You are my family. I would like to think that we have something special. I would like to think that you guys would never just turn around and forget about it. I don’t know though. I mean, everyone has the right to move on with their lives. No one said you have to love Potter forever. But I’m just really, really hoping that our friendships will last past Potter. My life has felt like a fairytale since I met all of you. Even though I used to have friends (as talked about above), I have NEVER experienced this kind of love before. I don’t want to lose it.

I don’t guys. Just…try to stay connected?

(…I’m so dramatic.)

California Is Empty.

Besides John, Matt, Andrew and myself. Thank God for those three.

Although, even with them, I feel extremely lonely. Where did everyone go? Everyone seems to be gone, and it’s depressing the hell out of me. Especially with both of my best friends gone….SIGH. Still…I thought there were more of you here? WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

HELLO, CALIFORNIA. IF ANYONE CAN HEAR ME, YOU’RE NOT ALONE. PLEASE CALL MY CELL PHONE AND LET’S ARRANGE A MEETING.

Answer Tone

I CAN’T PICK ONE! HELP ME! Currently if you call me, you will hear Brendon Urie telling you that he’s having phone sex with me (alright not really, but close enough). This is lovely and all, but I want a song now. I JUST CAN’T CHOSE ONE.

Here’s a few I was thinking of:

Standing In The Way Of Control – The Gossip (because it’s like, the 2nd most played song on the show Skins)

Potter Waltz – GoF (I think this was one of the songs playing when I was waiting in line to meet jo….sdjglksdgjkls my life)

The Story Continues – GoF (it’s the only one with Hedwig’s theme)

La Camisa Negra – Juanes (obvious reasons)

I Have Friends In Holy Spaces – Panic At The Disco

Lying Is The Most Fun… – Panic At The Disco (I can never get enough of that song)

Born For This – Paramore

That’s What You Get – Paramore

Space Mountain Music (again, for obvious reasons)

I guess the question is….what do you want to hear when you call me? I’m partial to The Gossip and Panic, but I want to know what you guys think.